Everyone has bad days, but you can always count on the days getting better. Well, my bad day has turned into bad DAYS and I am beginning to wonder if there is a good day in sight. It started yesterday with my daughter. She was a very needy baby and requested, via screaming, that I hold her. That went on for most of the day. She has also been gassy for the past week, and has been fussy in general when shes not sleeping. Imagine that, plus the need to be held consistently, which equals a very loud little girl. My son added fuel to the fire when he continued to whine, because he couldn’t get what he wanted. When my son cries, my daughter cries and vise versa. The word ‘no’ did not register for him yesterday, and he was more than happy to throw himself on the floor and cry until there was no tears left in him. When nap time came around, it took m e two hours to get him to stop walking out of the bedroom and actually go to sleep. It was a rough day, and all I wanted was a few minutes to get my barrings, but I had no few minutes to spare for myself. This began from sun up to long after dark. It was becoming too much for me to handle, and I felt myself slowly breaking.
It has gotten so bad that I began to ask myself what I was doing wrong, and then I had a break down, in which my husband had to hold me through because I couldn’t stop crying. I was surprised that I lasted the day without a tear. It wasn’t until my husband got home that I began to feel more and more like something deeper was wrong with me. I felt my innards twisting with each time my children cried. Eventually my husband finally took our son to bed. Our daughter woke up, started crying and I couldn’t take it. I gave my daughter to my husband and began to walk to the bathroom. When I passed my sons room, that was when I began to break down. His clothes were all over the floor, everything out of his dresser. I fell to my knees and had my breakdown.
I guess it was the image of seeing the mess, (and realizing that my house was dirty from days before because I haven’t had the motivation to clean anything, or do anything for that matter), that made me sob. This is one of the ugly truths about postpartum depression. You don’t have the motivation for anything, you feel lost, and the pressure of the world is on your shoulders. Eventually, you will break and it really is okay to cry. I have found that crying, and letting out your emotions out helps.
Today hasn’t been that much better than yesterday. The only time I get peace is when my children are both taking naps. It’s hard to do that when my son thinks its funny to keep walking out of his room, slamming the door behind him. And when I tell him it’s nap time, he throws a fit and that wakes up his sister, then both kids are crying. He does this to me often, especially when he is tired. I finally get him into bed, calm her down, and when I think everything is good, he does it again. He did this to me over five times yesterday. It was very frustrating and very hard to keep my head level.
Enough of my rambling. Point being, there are good days and there are bad days. Some days will be bad, some days will be good, and other will be downright horrible. Just remember to take some time for yourself. It helps immensely.