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Today is the day

This is completely off topic, but here it goes.

Today is the day of the solar eclipse. I should be excited and i was for the weeks coming up. I love astrology and constellations and all the energy that the stars bring to life. I wanted to prepare some kind of energy event for myself. But today, my 14 year old cat is dying.

I could  sense it when we moved to my new house. I knew she was going to die and I’ve told my friends and family that she would pass this year. I could feel it, and have been preparing for it all year. It still doesn’t change the hurt that I feel, or the fact that I have to pretend to be strong so she doesn’t sense my sadness. I remained in the living room with her the entire night, laying with her on a n extra matress we have, keeping her close, cuddling with her for the last time. 

I will never find another cat like her. She is patient, loving, dependable. She was always there to be my crutch, through every fight, every breakup, every part of my life that changed. It always got better when she was around because I knew she’d be there to help comfort me through everything.

As I sit here and try my best to comfort her, I feel my heart breaking. I’ve had her since I was 11, a child. I grew up with this animal and have loved her since the day she was born. I hate even leaving her side for a minute, not wanting her to die alone. And it will kill me to take the kids to the babysitters and go to work and leave her here by herself. I was hoping she would pass in the middle of the night so that I could be there by her side. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, and it hurts.

I have lost animals before. Lots of animals have died and come and gone but she was special. This is the first animal I’ve had that lived until old age, has been my crutch through everything and was my first baby.

I will no longer enjoy Janie time, laying with her wrapped up in my arms, the blankets tucked around her tightly. She loves to be cuddled under the blankets, and loves her nose nuzzled feom time to time. I only wish that she could stay that way forever. But now, as I write this, I can see the light fading from her eyes. She’s ready to go, and even though I keep telling her it’s okay, I will be fine and she can let go now, she still fights and holds on. I wish she would pass, to end her suffering, but it’s like she doesn’t want to leave me as much as I don’t want her top leave me either.

I love you Jane Elaine. You have been the best cat I’ve ever owned. You have been there for me through so much. So, I will say that I will be here for you roo, through everything. There will never be another cat more beautiful and i will never call another gorgeous the way I call you. Goodbye my love.

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