Parenting

Day #1

I was finally able to recieve my medication for my post-partum depression from my doctor. I had a little trouble getting it last month because of insurance, but thankfully I got it figured out.

I took my first pill last night, suggested by my doctor and the pharmacist because I am one of those wonderful people that get sick when I take medication. I took it two hours before I went to bed, and I could already feel the affects they warned me about. Dizziness and nausea were felt a little bit the first hour, and then by the second hour it was like I was on a buzz, like I had just drank a full cup of strong wine. It wasn’t a terrible feeling, just really strange.

Besides the side effects, I could feel calmer, but it was a kind of calm I’m not used too. When I’m normally calm, I’m still thinking about the things I need to do. But last night, I sat on the couch and realized that everything was quiet.

I’m not going to lie, it was freaky. I don’t remember a time that my mind wasn’t running in all directions. I told my best friend that it was strange, and I honestly didn’t know if I liked it or not. She told me I’ll get used to it, as she has been on this type of medication before.

To say the least, I don’t like the way I felt last night, although this morning has been much better. I slept off the nausea and dizziness, and now my mind is finally working. It’s still quiet though, which makes me wonder if I will ever get my mind back. I’m afraid this will affect how I work, my writing, and keeping up with my children. We will see.

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Parenting

The cold, hard truth.

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This week has been rough. It feels like my husband and I have been getting along less and less and I feel helpless not being able to figure out what to do. We have been having problems for a while now, but who doesn’t? We try to get past these issues, try to move forward without truly addressing the problems and it never works in either of our favor. ┬áHe doesn’t like confrontation and I’m tired of fighting him.

I knew that marriage was going to be difficult. When you are with someone for so long, eventually you will have to work at staying strong. I’ve been with my husband for five years, married for three, and we’ve been fighting for as long as we’ve been married. But the fighting used to be normal. It used to be fighting about money, our living condition, and where we were going to put our first baby. Now, the fighting is almost every other day, about stupid things that are not worth getting worked up over. But he does it. He fights me until we are both blue in the face, and it takes a lot to get me that angry.

Yesterday was the first day that I’ve had clarification on how he truly feels. And it matches my feelings completely. We are no longer IN love with each other. We still love each other and care about one another, but we don’t feel the same way like before. I know that happens to a lot of couples when they start to have children. You start pulling away from each other, sometimes without meaning too. Kids take up a lot of your personal time and it can put a damper on your relationship.

Instead of giving up though, we have decided to give this another try. Both of us want each other and we want to fall back in love with one another. It’s going to take work, and we are both aware of that. We both need to figure out how to change for the better. For our kids and for ourselves.

My parents got divorced when I was eleven and I still remember their awful fights. It was hard growing up in that environment. I know my husband’s parents were the same, though they decided to remain married and still are to this day. I promised myself when I was a child that I wouldn’t end up like my parents. That I would find a marriage that worked, come hell or high water. I even told myself that if I got married, it was going to be one and done. I made it a goal of mine to never get divorced, because everyone in my family has gotten divorced. (Lately everyone, save for the one or two exceptions.) I wanted to be different and not let the curse of my family get to me.

That goal, that promise to myself drives my determination to make this marriage work. I know it’s a difficult task in this day and age since everyone seems to have divorces and children to different people, but I want to try. I want to be that exception. My husband is truly set at his core and I miss that side of him. I miss a lot of things that we used to be. But I won’t dwell on the past. Instead, I’m going to look towards the future and try to remember that we were once in love and I know that we can be again.