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Today is the day

This is completely off topic, but here it goes.

Today is the day of the solar eclipse. I should be excited and i was for the weeks coming up. I love astrology and constellations and all the energy that the stars bring to life. I wanted to prepare some kind of energy event for myself. But today, my 14 year old cat is dying.

I could  sense it when we moved to my new house. I knew she was going to die and I’ve told my friends and family that she would pass this year. I could feel it, and have been preparing for it all year. It still doesn’t change the hurt that I feel, or the fact that I have to pretend to be strong so she doesn’t sense my sadness. I remained in the living room with her the entire night, laying with her on a n extra matress we have, keeping her close, cuddling with her for the last time. 

I will never find another cat like her. She is patient, loving, dependable. She was always there to be my crutch, through every fight, every breakup, every part of my life that changed. It always got better when she was around because I knew she’d be there to help comfort me through everything.

As I sit here and try my best to comfort her, I feel my heart breaking. I’ve had her since I was 11, a child. I grew up with this animal and have loved her since the day she was born. I hate even leaving her side for a minute, not wanting her to die alone. And it will kill me to take the kids to the babysitters and go to work and leave her here by herself. I was hoping she would pass in the middle of the night so that I could be there by her side. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, and it hurts.

I have lost animals before. Lots of animals have died and come and gone but she was special. This is the first animal I’ve had that lived until old age, has been my crutch through everything and was my first baby.

I will no longer enjoy Janie time, laying with her wrapped up in my arms, the blankets tucked around her tightly. She loves to be cuddled under the blankets, and loves her nose nuzzled feom time to time. I only wish that she could stay that way forever. But now, as I write this, I can see the light fading from her eyes. She’s ready to go, and even though I keep telling her it’s okay, I will be fine and she can let go now, she still fights and holds on. I wish she would pass, to end her suffering, but it’s like she doesn’t want to leave me as much as I don’t want her top leave me either.

I love you Jane Elaine. You have been the best cat I’ve ever owned. You have been there for me through so much. So, I will say that I will be here for you roo, through everything. There will never be another cat more beautiful and i will never call another gorgeous the way I call you. Goodbye my love.

Parenting

Baby can cry!

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I almost forgot how much a newborn cries. Almost. Sometimes I wish I had, but it was one of the things that I was dreading with the new baby right before she was born. I even tried to mentally prepare myself, to get myself ready for the constant crying. I even tried reminding my husband, daily, that we would have to start this process all over again. The diapers, the late nights, the screaming, the feeling of tearing your hair out when nothing seems to go right… it’s a little much sometimes.

Speaking of a little much, my toddler decided his terrible twos were going to start the day after his birthday. And let me tell you, it’s overwhelming. He cries, doesn’t listen, throws things, throws himself on the floor, and heaven forbid if you take anything out of his hands! The world is constantly ending in his eyes. It’s like he’s having a beginning of life crisis. Like his life is so terrible he can’t control himself. But of course, life isn’t so bad and he’s goes back to being his sweet self within a few minutes. I hope this stage doesn’t become the terrible toddlers. I’m not sure I can handle more than a year of this!

I do love my children, but sometimes I just want to lock myself in the bathroom. I can’t even do that now, my toddler always kicking and screaming at the door if I lock him out. So, nothing is sacred anymore. But, tis the life of a mother, right?

Parenting, Uncategorized

All hail the birthday boy!

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There is a slight look of panic on my face as I’m trying to mimic the cups smile, hoping that the rest of me will catch on. Be happy, be positive, be happy. Sometimes it’s hard to listen to your inner voice when the frustrations of your life consume your every thought. You can try to forget about that pile of laundry that needs folded and put away. You can try to forget that the house needs a decent scrub down before your son’s birthday tomorrow but it won’t dissapear.

His birthday party is tomorrow and I’m slightly dying inside. That means my day is going to be full of funt-astic things to do. First, I’m going to work from 10-5, then I’m going to come home (now this is just an estimate) to a house that looks well lived in. My husband will have only done the bare minimum because he can’t handle two children, leaving me the rest while trying to make dinner in the process. I will fly through the list, trying to do all things at one time, resulting in me stressing out even more. I’ll be worried that I won’t get it done in time, that I’ll forget to do something and someone might see a speck of dust on the entertainment stand, heaven forbid. I will take my frustration out on my husband, telling him that he needs to help out more. He will either walk away and try to ignore me, or he will argue back, resulting in a fight that isn’t necessary.

Tomorrow, I will be freaking out. I will be wondering what I forgot to do, running around the place like a crazy person, tearing out my hair because I forgot to buy paper plates and plastic forks. Everything will be procrastinated, and we will end up having a four hour party rather than just a two hour like we planned. I will be crazy until the party ends and then I’ll be back on the crazy train trying to clean up after people. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

I’m not going to lie. I’ve always hated parties since I was a kid. I don’t like mingling, or small talk and I hate hosting parties because I’m a perfectionist and when something doesn’t go right, I have a panic attack. I’ve been told on multiple occasions that I have a problem and I’m the first to admit that I do.

I’ll be crossing my fingers hoping that my child doesn’t get cake all over my newly washed floor.

Parenting

Parent Sex

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Yes, that is a shocked batman face because not only is that my favorite super hero, but I’m going to talk about a subject that not many parents talk about. Parent sex.

What is parent sex you ask? Parent sex is when you get that five minute intermission between taking care of your children to slip away and do your business. (Now, of course, the kids are SAFE and otherwise occupied.) It happens between the baby sleeping and the toddler playing in his room, between the laundry and the dishes, and always when you least expect it. (Again, children are SAFE- if I don’t make this clear enough, people will assume my children are left without adult super vision.)

Parent sex is not exactly something I’m proud of participating in. It was a spur of the moment thing, a moment where I was putting away clothes and my husband began rubbing my shoulders and we went from there. Normally, I am the one to turn down the sex when the kids are awake. But it had been a while since we had sex and it was the perfect opportunity. The baby was sleeping and our toddler was in his room, laying on his bed, watching a movie. It was a very quick one, wham-bam-thank you ma’am style. When we came back out, both kids were exactly where we left them, nothing having changed in those few minutes.

It happened because we haven’t been able to make time to be together. The night we went out for our anniversary, we were so tired that we didn’t even have the energy. And every other night, our kids are either co-sleeping with us because he had a nightmare, or we don’t have the energy to even attempt sex. We have planned nights where we say we are going to have sex, but then those plans always get changed, as everything does when you have kids. My husband and I have learned our lesson with planning. Expect the unexpected, and even then you aren’t fully prepared.

Point being, we are human. Shit happens and it happens every day. It isn’t perfect, but you have to make perfection out of imperfections. And if that means taking a few minutes to have sex with your significant other, then by all means, do it.

 

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First week back

This week has been my first week back to work and so far it’s been an interesting one. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy for either of my children or myself, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. Between my toddler throwing a fit because he doesn’t want me to leave, and my 1 month old crying because her brother is whining, I don’t know which is worse. It’s heart warming to know that he doesn’t want me to go anywhere, but it’s also frustrating. I tried my best to keep a level head, said my goodbyes (with an extra long hug to my toddler) and went on my way with my fingers crossed that everything was going to be fine.

Sunday was not only my first day at work, but also my husbands first day at watching our kids without me for longer than thirty minutes. I was glad that I didn’t have to take them to a babysitters, but at the same time, I was concerned that he couldn’t handle it on his own. So by the request of both o us, my friend and her younger sister came to spend the day with them. I felt much better, especially for my first day back. I wanted it to go as smooth as possible for all of us. I checked in once and everything was fine, my husband even did some chores around the house without me having to say anything. Overall, it was a good day.

My second day, Monday, was a little more rough. My toddler woke up when I did. He was tired and clingy and was smart enough to know that me getting dressed and ready that early in the morning was a sign that I was leaving. He’s wasn’t having it. Thank goodness my babysitter lives a few houses down (also the friend that helped Sunday) and she came to me. After I gave him some breakfast and he was settled with his Octonauts, I headed out. He did fine once I left and in felt confident that the worst was over.

This morning, he’s sleeping in, my 1 month old is sleeping and now I’m just waiting for my babysitter to come by. Overall, the transitioning hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, thank god!

 

 

 

 

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Finding Yourself

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I haven’t written in a while. Things around here are busy, stressful and I haven’t been able to find the time to write anything. I honestly haven’t even had the motivation to write anything about parenting. But this week, I got to thinking about myself and how I don’t feel very ‘me‘ lately.

Being a parent can take a tole on your body and your mind and your spirit. It is a wonderful experience that changes your life forever for the better, but at the same time, it can make you wonder how you will ever get back to the person you used to be. In my opinion, you change with each child that is born and for the most part, it is normally a good change, and you may never see your former self again. I, myself, know that I am not the same person I was before my son was born. I am perfectly fine with that. I have learned so much, and have grown as a person because of being a parent. But, at the same time, being so consumed with taking care of my family has made me realize that I haven’t spent much time for myself since my first was born.

I am sure that I am not the only person that feels like this. Taking care of your children, your husband and your house can be awfully time consuming, and taking time for yourself can make you feel guilty. I know that I went out with my friends one time after my son was born and the entire time I worried if my child was okay, if he needed me, if I was having too much fun when I should have been watching my child, and so on. Everything was fine, and I did have a good time when I wasn’t watching my phone for a phone call.

Even though I was worried, I’m glad that I went out. I have already gone out twice since my daughter was born, both times with my husband. I followed my grandmother advice. She said, in order to keep your relationship healthy after children, you need to make time for yourself and your husband. So, we have both decided that we need to try to at least have one night a month to ourselves. A night of going out, having a real conversation that doesn’t revolve around our children, and enjoying an entire night alone. I’ve already gone through the stages. I get excited to go out, then that excitement begins to wear off. I feel sad, and miss them. That’s when I call my babysitter. My husband finds this funny, that I can’t go one night without making sure they are okay. For me, I can’t understand how he can. But, I know it comes with being a mommy. plus I worry enough for the both of us.

It’s important to keep your spirit up. It’s even more important to make time for yourself and your significant other, but the days can be stressful, and without that time, things can fall apart quicker than you can blink.

 

Parenting, Uncategorized

It is time!

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As Rafiki states in Disney’s The Lion king, this is the only line that can express the significant toddler milestone that we are about to tackle: Potty Training!!!

I was afraid to start my son too early on potty training because of the move and the new baby. I heard that starting children when there are significant changes in their lives can make potty training more challenging. But, after this past week, I realized that starting potty training is a must.

My little bugger, three days in a row, decided to take off his diaper. Now, it wouldn’t have been so bad if two of the three days worth of diapers weren’t filled with poo. It was disgusting, especially since he decided to take his diaper off in his room around nap time. His room has carpet. It was a mess, and I’d like to never have to scrub human shit off the floor again (though it wasn’t the first time).

I researched different ways to potty train children, particularly little boys. Obviously, you need a training potty, that way they can get the feel of sitting on a real toilet. Letting them customize the toilet can be helpful, with stickers and writing their names on it. Letting them run around without a diaper so they can get the feel of not wearing one. And of course, encouragement is very important, and is a must when trying to teach them. I did all of these things and we had a very successful day Friday. He used the potty, understood what it was used for, and he was a very happy toddler when I encouraged him and congratulated him.

I don’t know if I am ready for this step in his development, but I know that he is. It’s about persistence and continuing to remind them about using the potty. I can’t tell you how many times we go through it in just one day. It can get exhausting, but I highly suggest a schedule. It truly helps, especially in the beginning stages.

Parenting, Uncategorized

Bad Day #3

Today the kids aren’t the problem. My son is taking an early nap today, and my daughter is finally sleeping in the bassinet without my arms wrapped around her. No, today is a good day. So why do I say bad day #3? Well, I am finding that my own thoughts and feelings are the problem now.

I was doing fine when I woke up. I was thinking positively. My postpartum bleeding stopped, it looked like it was going to be a cool day, and my kids were doing well this morning. Then my thoughts ran away from me. I started thinking about the arguments that my husband and I have been getting into, and how much I have lost myself since before my son was born. I love my kids, and I would never want to change the fact that I have them. They are both a blessing to my life. There are just times when I wonder if I can keep it together and be the best parent that they need me to be.

I think my husband thinks that it is all in my head, my depression. I have suffered from depression for most of my life, but I feel like that would come and go. Postpartum depression seems to never leave, even when you are having a good day. It remains in the back of my head, waiting to reappear at any moment. It jumps out when one thing is said the wrong way, or something sets off the little bomb inside my mind. I have no control over it, or my emotions when it goes off and I become an ugly, crying mess that thinks the world hates me. I have not had any suicidal thoughts, thankfully. Every time I get to a bad place in my episode, I always remind myself that I love my children too much to do anything stupid. I do, however, wish that I could just stop the uncontrollable feeling of unhappiness and self doubt. My husband and I talked about my feelings last night and we both agreed that for our lives to be better, and for me to be happier, I need to call my doctor and go in for a checkup before my six weeks are up. I know for a fact that I can’t handle these feelings for another three weeks.

Parenting, Uncategorized

Bad Day

Everyone has bad days, but you can always count on the days getting better. Well, my bad day has turned into bad DAYS and I am beginning to wonder if there is a good day in sight. It started yesterday with my daughter. She was a very needy baby and requested, via screaming, that I hold her. That went on for most of the day. She has also been gassy for the past week, and has been fussy in general when shes not sleeping. Imagine that, plus the need to be held consistently, which equals a very loud little girl. My son added fuel to the fire when he continued to whine, because he couldn’t get what he wanted. When my son cries, my daughter cries and vise versa. The word ‘no’ did not register for him yesterday, and he was more than happy to throw himself on the floor and cry until there was no tears left in him. When nap time came around, it took m e two hours to get him to stop walking out of the bedroom and actually go to sleep. It was a rough day, and all I wanted was a few minutes to get my barrings, but I had no few minutes to spare for myself. This began from sun up to long after dark. It was becoming too much for me to handle, and I felt myself slowly breaking.

It has gotten so bad that I began to ask myself what I was doing wrong, and then I had a break down, in which my husband had to hold me through because I couldn’t stop crying. I was surprised that I lasted the day without a tear. It wasn’t until my husband got home that I began to feel more and more like something deeper was wrong with me. I felt my innards twisting with each time my children cried. Eventually my husband finally took our son to bed. Our daughter woke up, started crying and I couldn’t take it. I gave my daughter to my husband and began to walk to the bathroom. When I passed my sons room, that was when I began to break down. His clothes were all over the floor, everything out of his dresser. I fell to my knees and had my breakdown.

I guess it was the image of seeing the mess, (and realizing that my house was dirty from days before because I haven’t had the motivation to clean anything, or do anything for that matter), that made me sob. This is one of the ugly truths about postpartum depression. You don’t have the motivation for anything, you feel lost, and the pressure of the world is on your shoulders. Eventually, you will break and it really is okay to cry. I have found that crying, and letting out your emotions out helps.

Today hasn’t been that much better than yesterday. The only time I get peace is when my children are both taking naps. It’s hard to do that when my son thinks its funny to keep walking out of his room, slamming the door behind him. And when I tell him it’s nap time, he throws a fit and that wakes up his sister, then both kids are crying. He does this to me often, especially when he is tired. I finally get him into bed, calm her down, and when I think everything is good, he does it again. He did this to me over five times yesterday. It was very frustrating and very hard to keep my head level.

Enough of my rambling. Point being, there are good days and there are bad days. Some days will be bad, some days will be good, and other will be downright horrible. Just remember to take some time for yourself. It helps immensely.

Parenting, Uncategorized

The ugly truth

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Postpartum depression.

It is a very real thing that I wish a lot of people would understand is a serious issue with mothers. It happens to even the strongest of people, and can be a very hard experience to get through.

I had postpartum depression with my first child, though I kept denying the signs. I have had issues with depression since I was a child, and I knew the risks for postpartum depression were high with me. I kept denying the signs, kept telling myself that I was stronger than that. I kept trying to convince myself that it was a faze, that I was loosing too much sleep, and that I still wasn’t used to the difficulties of taking care of a child. But despite myself, I knew that there was something deeper wrong with me. When I expressed my feelings to my doctor, they made me take a test. Answering the questions truthfully, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. They gave me some pills and told me to check back in a month. After that month of taking the medication, I decided that I was going to stop and work out my problems myself. Although this worked for me, I do not suggest doing so without telling your doctor. I told my doctor what I planned to do, to work on things on my own, and even though they said that sometimes that doesn’t always work, the told me to call them if I was feeling suicidal and I went on my way.

I did work on things myself, because I have always dealt with my depression on my own. I more so ignored it than faced it, and I think that it’s coming back to bite me in the ass this time around. I have bouts throughout the day where I feel like I am alone. Some days are good, but some days are bad. Some days I feel sad, and angry and lost and sometimes I can’t control my own emotions. I have never once hurt my children during these episodes, but I know they can feel my frustration and it affects how they react to me. That’s when I have to walk away from them, to give myself some time to handle the stress.

Last night I had a melt down. I was crying, hard, and started fighting with my husband for no reason but because I was hurt and feeling lost. I felt alone and pressured into being a perfect mother, with this perfect family, and trying to uphold the perfect life. I put that pressure on myself, and it was too much for me to handle. I should have remembered that there is no such thing as the perfect mother, the perfect family, and the perfect life. Not even the seemingly perfect family truly is perfect. My husband has promised to try harder with helping around the house, to relieve some of the pressure that keeps building. I am grateful that no matter what I throw at him, he stands by me, despite the arguments we get into. It helps a lot when you have a support system. I hope that others that go through this have a support system as well.