Parenting

Day #1

I was finally able to recieve my medication for my post-partum depression from my doctor. I had a little trouble getting it last month because of insurance, but thankfully I got it figured out.

I took my first pill last night, suggested by my doctor and the pharmacist because I am one of those wonderful people that get sick when I take medication. I took it two hours before I went to bed, and I could already feel the affects they warned me about. Dizziness and nausea were felt a little bit the first hour, and then by the second hour it was like I was on a buzz, like I had just drank a full cup of strong wine. It wasn’t a terrible feeling, just really strange.

Besides the side effects, I could feel calmer, but it was a kind of calm I’m not used too. When I’m normally calm, I’m still thinking about the things I need to do. But last night, I sat on the couch and realized that everything was quiet.

I’m not going to lie, it was freaky. I don’t remember a time that my mind wasn’t running in all directions. I told my best friend that it was strange, and I honestly didn’t know if I liked it or not. She told me I’ll get used to it, as she has been on this type of medication before.

To say the least, I don’t like the way I felt last night, although this morning has been much better. I slept off the nausea and dizziness, and now my mind is finally working. It’s still quiet though, which makes me wonder if I will ever get my mind back. I’m afraid this will affect how I work, my writing, and keeping up with my children. We will see.

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Parenting

The cold, hard truth.

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This week has been rough. It feels like my husband and I have been getting along less and less and I feel helpless not being able to figure out what to do. We have been having problems for a while now, but who doesn’t? We try to get past these issues, try to move forward without truly addressing the problems and it never works in either of our favor.  He doesn’t like confrontation and I’m tired of fighting him.

I knew that marriage was going to be difficult. When you are with someone for so long, eventually you will have to work at staying strong. I’ve been with my husband for five years, married for three, and we’ve been fighting for as long as we’ve been married. But the fighting used to be normal. It used to be fighting about money, our living condition, and where we were going to put our first baby. Now, the fighting is almost every other day, about stupid things that are not worth getting worked up over. But he does it. He fights me until we are both blue in the face, and it takes a lot to get me that angry.

Yesterday was the first day that I’ve had clarification on how he truly feels. And it matches my feelings completely. We are no longer IN love with each other. We still love each other and care about one another, but we don’t feel the same way like before. I know that happens to a lot of couples when they start to have children. You start pulling away from each other, sometimes without meaning too. Kids take up a lot of your personal time and it can put a damper on your relationship.

Instead of giving up though, we have decided to give this another try. Both of us want each other and we want to fall back in love with one another. It’s going to take work, and we are both aware of that. We both need to figure out how to change for the better. For our kids and for ourselves.

My parents got divorced when I was eleven and I still remember their awful fights. It was hard growing up in that environment. I know my husband’s parents were the same, though they decided to remain married and still are to this day. I promised myself when I was a child that I wouldn’t end up like my parents. That I would find a marriage that worked, come hell or high water. I even told myself that if I got married, it was going to be one and done. I made it a goal of mine to never get divorced, because everyone in my family has gotten divorced. (Lately everyone, save for the one or two exceptions.) I wanted to be different and not let the curse of my family get to me.

That goal, that promise to myself drives my determination to make this marriage work. I know it’s a difficult task in this day and age since everyone seems to have divorces and children to different people, but I want to try. I want to be that exception. My husband is truly set at his core and I miss that side of him. I miss a lot of things that we used to be. But I won’t dwell on the past. Instead, I’m going to look towards the future and try to remember that we were once in love and I know that we can be again.

Parenting

Colic and How To Deal

Colic. It sucks. Like, really sucks. I can’t explain the emotions you go through when you have a colicky baby. First comes the sadness. You feel terrible that your baby is going through pain. Then comes the frustration, after you have tried everything to get her to feel better. Gas drops, bouncing, the swing, the leveled car seat, cuddling, but nothing works. Then comes the guilt for feeling so frustrated and irritated with your baby because it isn’t her fault, or yours.

After taking her to the pediatricians twice and going through many different types of medication that didn’t help with her acid reflux and the gas pains, they told me she was colicky and gave me medication that she is only allowed so much of. The medication wasn’t working, so I tool her off it (recommended by the pediatrician if it didn’t work). So, to ease my daughters cries and the frustration my husband and I go through, I decided to look up different ways to help with colic.

Sensitive Formula.

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My son was on this formula after I realized he suffered from consitatipation, gas and bloating. He got my system, as I am lactose intolerant and the sensitive formula is really great for children with those same issues.

Dr. Brown Bottles.

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 I used these with my son because he had problems with gas and bloating. They were wonderful and I switched to these a few days ago, hoping it would help my daughter. It has, tremendously. They help so well with relieving gas from the formula so your baby doesn’t swallow so much air. I love them!

Fennel tea.

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I was nervous to try this at first, especially since it’s an herb. But I talked to a lot of mothers with babies that had colic and the pediatrician and they all recommended this remedy. You can buy the tea that’s already in strainer bags, or the loose tea and strain it yourself. I bought the first option, and gave her 1 teaspoon, 3 times a day for a few days, just to test whether it worked or not. It did, helping her a lot with her acid reflux and the gas issues.

With everything that I tried above, she’s gotten so much better and she is much happier now. She still has her moments, but it isn’t as constant as it was before.

(I recommend doing your own research and consulting your doctor before giving your child anything I’ve talked about in the above.)

Parenting

Total Meltdown

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Well this past week has been so much better than I thought! Janie survived, moved past her sickness and is doing so much better than before. I am so grateful.

And then came thursday.

For the past week, my husband and my two children have been fighting off sickness. I am fortunate enough to be taking Zinc vitamins at the sign of any type of illness in my house and didn’t catch anything. Even so, I had to wash everything, sterilize it and make sure my children didn’t get sick from left over germs. Well, this is when the major meltdown hit.

My son carries around a stuffed animal that I have had since I was a kid. It was from the 90’s when Pokemon first came out and it was the biggest thing since sliced bread. Squirtle. Its in perfect condition, as I took very good care of my toys and decided to pass it down to my children one day. Little did I know how important this little stuffed animal would be to my future child.

He loves Squirtle. He takes him everywhere and does everything with him. He squeezes his little head, chokes the poor thing to death, eats with it, drinks with it, watches tv with it, and won’t go to sleep without knowing he is right there with him.

I took it, trying to be sneaky without him seeing, and then plopped him into the washer. But I got caught, like a child doing bad things, and paid for it for two hours. Liam threw himself onto the floor, crying like I had severely hurt him in some way. At first I didn’t know what I did, or what happened. Then he pointed to the washer and kept screaming over and over Twirtle! Twirtle! (Which is his cute 2 year old way of saying Squirtle).

Please tell me Im not alone in this…

Parenting

Baby can cry!

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I almost forgot how much a newborn cries. Almost. Sometimes I wish I had, but it was one of the things that I was dreading with the new baby right before she was born. I even tried to mentally prepare myself, to get myself ready for the constant crying. I even tried reminding my husband, daily, that we would have to start this process all over again. The diapers, the late nights, the screaming, the feeling of tearing your hair out when nothing seems to go right… it’s a little much sometimes.

Speaking of a little much, my toddler decided his terrible twos were going to start the day after his birthday. And let me tell you, it’s overwhelming. He cries, doesn’t listen, throws things, throws himself on the floor, and heaven forbid if you take anything out of his hands! The world is constantly ending in his eyes. It’s like he’s having a beginning of life crisis. Like his life is so terrible he can’t control himself. But of course, life isn’t so bad and he’s goes back to being his sweet self within a few minutes. I hope this stage doesn’t become the terrible toddlers. I’m not sure I can handle more than a year of this!

I do love my children, but sometimes I just want to lock myself in the bathroom. I can’t even do that now, my toddler always kicking and screaming at the door if I lock him out. So, nothing is sacred anymore. But, tis the life of a mother, right?

Parenting, Uncategorized

All hail the birthday boy!

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There is a slight look of panic on my face as I’m trying to mimic the cups smile, hoping that the rest of me will catch on. Be happy, be positive, be happy. Sometimes it’s hard to listen to your inner voice when the frustrations of your life consume your every thought. You can try to forget about that pile of laundry that needs folded and put away. You can try to forget that the house needs a decent scrub down before your son’s birthday tomorrow but it won’t dissapear.

His birthday party is tomorrow and I’m slightly dying inside. That means my day is going to be full of funt-astic things to do. First, I’m going to work from 10-5, then I’m going to come home (now this is just an estimate) to a house that looks well lived in. My husband will have only done the bare minimum because he can’t handle two children, leaving me the rest while trying to make dinner in the process. I will fly through the list, trying to do all things at one time, resulting in me stressing out even more. I’ll be worried that I won’t get it done in time, that I’ll forget to do something and someone might see a speck of dust on the entertainment stand, heaven forbid. I will take my frustration out on my husband, telling him that he needs to help out more. He will either walk away and try to ignore me, or he will argue back, resulting in a fight that isn’t necessary.

Tomorrow, I will be freaking out. I will be wondering what I forgot to do, running around the place like a crazy person, tearing out my hair because I forgot to buy paper plates and plastic forks. Everything will be procrastinated, and we will end up having a four hour party rather than just a two hour like we planned. I will be crazy until the party ends and then I’ll be back on the crazy train trying to clean up after people. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

I’m not going to lie. I’ve always hated parties since I was a kid. I don’t like mingling, or small talk and I hate hosting parties because I’m a perfectionist and when something doesn’t go right, I have a panic attack. I’ve been told on multiple occasions that I have a problem and I’m the first to admit that I do.

I’ll be crossing my fingers hoping that my child doesn’t get cake all over my newly washed floor.

Parenting

Parent Sex

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Yes, that is a shocked batman face because not only is that my favorite super hero, but I’m going to talk about a subject that not many parents talk about. Parent sex.

What is parent sex you ask? Parent sex is when you get that five minute intermission between taking care of your children to slip away and do your business. (Now, of course, the kids are SAFE and otherwise occupied.) It happens between the baby sleeping and the toddler playing in his room, between the laundry and the dishes, and always when you least expect it. (Again, children are SAFE- if I don’t make this clear enough, people will assume my children are left without adult super vision.)

Parent sex is not exactly something I’m proud of participating in. It was a spur of the moment thing, a moment where I was putting away clothes and my husband began rubbing my shoulders and we went from there. Normally, I am the one to turn down the sex when the kids are awake. But it had been a while since we had sex and it was the perfect opportunity. The baby was sleeping and our toddler was in his room, laying on his bed, watching a movie. It was a very quick one, wham-bam-thank you ma’am style. When we came back out, both kids were exactly where we left them, nothing having changed in those few minutes.

It happened because we haven’t been able to make time to be together. The night we went out for our anniversary, we were so tired that we didn’t even have the energy. And every other night, our kids are either co-sleeping with us because he had a nightmare, or we don’t have the energy to even attempt sex. We have planned nights where we say we are going to have sex, but then those plans always get changed, as everything does when you have kids. My husband and I have learned our lesson with planning. Expect the unexpected, and even then you aren’t fully prepared.

Point being, we are human. Shit happens and it happens every day. It isn’t perfect, but you have to make perfection out of imperfections. And if that means taking a few minutes to have sex with your significant other, then by all means, do it.

 

Parenting, Uncategorized

It is time!

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As Rafiki states in Disney’s The Lion king, this is the only line that can express the significant toddler milestone that we are about to tackle: Potty Training!!!

I was afraid to start my son too early on potty training because of the move and the new baby. I heard that starting children when there are significant changes in their lives can make potty training more challenging. But, after this past week, I realized that starting potty training is a must.

My little bugger, three days in a row, decided to take off his diaper. Now, it wouldn’t have been so bad if two of the three days worth of diapers weren’t filled with poo. It was disgusting, especially since he decided to take his diaper off in his room around nap time. His room has carpet. It was a mess, and I’d like to never have to scrub human shit off the floor again (though it wasn’t the first time).

I researched different ways to potty train children, particularly little boys. Obviously, you need a training potty, that way they can get the feel of sitting on a real toilet. Letting them customize the toilet can be helpful, with stickers and writing their names on it. Letting them run around without a diaper so they can get the feel of not wearing one. And of course, encouragement is very important, and is a must when trying to teach them. I did all of these things and we had a very successful day Friday. He used the potty, understood what it was used for, and he was a very happy toddler when I encouraged him and congratulated him.

I don’t know if I am ready for this step in his development, but I know that he is. It’s about persistence and continuing to remind them about using the potty. I can’t tell you how many times we go through it in just one day. It can get exhausting, but I highly suggest a schedule. It truly helps, especially in the beginning stages.

Parenting, Uncategorized

Bad Day #3

Today the kids aren’t the problem. My son is taking an early nap today, and my daughter is finally sleeping in the bassinet without my arms wrapped around her. No, today is a good day. So why do I say bad day #3? Well, I am finding that my own thoughts and feelings are the problem now.

I was doing fine when I woke up. I was thinking positively. My postpartum bleeding stopped, it looked like it was going to be a cool day, and my kids were doing well this morning. Then my thoughts ran away from me. I started thinking about the arguments that my husband and I have been getting into, and how much I have lost myself since before my son was born. I love my kids, and I would never want to change the fact that I have them. They are both a blessing to my life. There are just times when I wonder if I can keep it together and be the best parent that they need me to be.

I think my husband thinks that it is all in my head, my depression. I have suffered from depression for most of my life, but I feel like that would come and go. Postpartum depression seems to never leave, even when you are having a good day. It remains in the back of my head, waiting to reappear at any moment. It jumps out when one thing is said the wrong way, or something sets off the little bomb inside my mind. I have no control over it, or my emotions when it goes off and I become an ugly, crying mess that thinks the world hates me. I have not had any suicidal thoughts, thankfully. Every time I get to a bad place in my episode, I always remind myself that I love my children too much to do anything stupid. I do, however, wish that I could just stop the uncontrollable feeling of unhappiness and self doubt. My husband and I talked about my feelings last night and we both agreed that for our lives to be better, and for me to be happier, I need to call my doctor and go in for a checkup before my six weeks are up. I know for a fact that I can’t handle these feelings for another three weeks.

Parenting, Uncategorized

Bad Day

Everyone has bad days, but you can always count on the days getting better. Well, my bad day has turned into bad DAYS and I am beginning to wonder if there is a good day in sight. It started yesterday with my daughter. She was a very needy baby and requested, via screaming, that I hold her. That went on for most of the day. She has also been gassy for the past week, and has been fussy in general when shes not sleeping. Imagine that, plus the need to be held consistently, which equals a very loud little girl. My son added fuel to the fire when he continued to whine, because he couldn’t get what he wanted. When my son cries, my daughter cries and vise versa. The word ‘no’ did not register for him yesterday, and he was more than happy to throw himself on the floor and cry until there was no tears left in him. When nap time came around, it took m e two hours to get him to stop walking out of the bedroom and actually go to sleep. It was a rough day, and all I wanted was a few minutes to get my barrings, but I had no few minutes to spare for myself. This began from sun up to long after dark. It was becoming too much for me to handle, and I felt myself slowly breaking.

It has gotten so bad that I began to ask myself what I was doing wrong, and then I had a break down, in which my husband had to hold me through because I couldn’t stop crying. I was surprised that I lasted the day without a tear. It wasn’t until my husband got home that I began to feel more and more like something deeper was wrong with me. I felt my innards twisting with each time my children cried. Eventually my husband finally took our son to bed. Our daughter woke up, started crying and I couldn’t take it. I gave my daughter to my husband and began to walk to the bathroom. When I passed my sons room, that was when I began to break down. His clothes were all over the floor, everything out of his dresser. I fell to my knees and had my breakdown.

I guess it was the image of seeing the mess, (and realizing that my house was dirty from days before because I haven’t had the motivation to clean anything, or do anything for that matter), that made me sob. This is one of the ugly truths about postpartum depression. You don’t have the motivation for anything, you feel lost, and the pressure of the world is on your shoulders. Eventually, you will break and it really is okay to cry. I have found that crying, and letting out your emotions out helps.

Today hasn’t been that much better than yesterday. The only time I get peace is when my children are both taking naps. It’s hard to do that when my son thinks its funny to keep walking out of his room, slamming the door behind him. And when I tell him it’s nap time, he throws a fit and that wakes up his sister, then both kids are crying. He does this to me often, especially when he is tired. I finally get him into bed, calm her down, and when I think everything is good, he does it again. He did this to me over five times yesterday. It was very frustrating and very hard to keep my head level.

Enough of my rambling. Point being, there are good days and there are bad days. Some days will be bad, some days will be good, and other will be downright horrible. Just remember to take some time for yourself. It helps immensely.