The cold, hard truth.


This week has been rough. It feels like my husband and I have been getting along less and less and I feel helpless not being able to figure out what to do. We have been having problems for a while now, but who doesn’t? We try to get past these issues, try to move forward without truly addressing the problems and it never works in either of our favor. ┬áHe doesn’t like confrontation and I’m tired of fighting him.

I knew that marriage was going to be difficult. When you are with someone for so long, eventually you will have to work at staying strong. I’ve been with my husband for five years, married for three, and we’ve been fighting for as long as we’ve been married. But the fighting used to be normal. It used to be fighting about money, our living condition, and where we were going to put our first baby. Now, the fighting is almost every other day, about stupid things that are not worth getting worked up over. But he does it. He fights me until we are both blue in the face, and it takes a lot to get me that angry.

Yesterday was the first day that I’ve had clarification on how he truly feels. And it matches my feelings completely. We are no longer IN love with each other. We still love each other and care about one another, but we don’t feel the same way like before. I know that happens to a lot of couples when they start to have children. You start pulling away from each other, sometimes without meaning too. Kids take up a lot of your personal time and it can put a damper on your relationship.

Instead of giving up though, we have decided to give this another try. Both of us want each other and we want to fall back in love with one another. It’s going to take work, and we are both aware of that. We both need to figure out how to change for the better. For our kids and for ourselves.

My parents got divorced when I was eleven and I still remember their awful fights. It was hard growing up in that environment. I know my husband’s parents were the same, though they decided to remain married and still are to this day. I promised myself when I was a child that I wouldn’t end up like my parents. That I would find a marriage that worked, come hell or high water. I even told myself that if I got married, it was going to be one and done. I made it a goal of mine to never get divorced, because everyone in my family has gotten divorced. (Lately everyone, save for the one or two exceptions.) I wanted to be different and not let the curse of my family get to me.

That goal, that promise to myself drives my determination to make this marriage work. I know it’s a difficult task in this day and age since everyone seems to have divorces and children to different people, but I want to try. I want to be that exception. My husband is truly set at his core and I miss that side of him. I miss a lot of things that we used to be. But I won’t dwell on the past. Instead, I’m going to look towards the future and try to remember that we were once in love and I know that we can be again.


Baby can cry!

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I almost forgot how much a newborn cries. Almost. Sometimes I wish I had, but it was one of the things that I was dreading with the new baby right before she was born. I even tried to mentally prepare myself, to get myself ready for the constant crying. I even tried reminding my husband, daily, that we would have to start this process all over again. The diapers, the late nights, the screaming, the feeling of tearing your hair out when nothing seems to go right… it’s a little much sometimes.

Speaking of a little much, my toddler decided his terrible twos were going to start the day after his birthday. And let me tell you, it’s overwhelming. He cries, doesn’t listen, throws things, throws himself on the floor, and heaven forbid if you take anything out of his hands! The world is constantly ending in his eyes. It’s like he’s having a beginning of life crisis. Like his life is so terrible he can’t control himself. But of course, life isn’t so bad and he’s goes back to being his sweet self within a few minutes. I hope this stage doesn’t become the terrible toddlers. I’m not sure I can handle more than a year of this!

I do love my children, but sometimes I just want to lock myself in the bathroom. I can’t even do that now, my toddler always kicking and screaming at the door if I lock him out. So, nothing is sacred anymore. But, tis the life of a mother, right?

Parenting, Uncategorized

The Terrible Twos


I don’t know why they call it the terrible twos, when it should really be called the terrible toddlers. My son started his ‘terrible twos’ early. He isn’t even two yet (two months shy) and he began these fits of tantrums a few months ago. The fits of anger that result in throwing something across the room, and then proceeding to throw himself on the ground when he doesn’t get his way.

It has been an interesting time dealing with these fits, especially in public while everyone stares at you with bug eyes, like you somehow have complete control over your monster of a child. They happen at least twice a day, normally when he can’t wait for his food or drink, and especially when he asks for something he can’t have. I know that this is all part of the process of parenting, and I am not naive to think that my child would bypass this stage, but damn, I wasn’t expecting to lose my sanity over it. I find myself constantly torn between giving in, so that I may have a few minutes of peace, and standing firm and letting him cry it out. I go with the later of course, because I don’t want him believing that he can get away with murder, but I can’t tell you how many times my strength wavered and I almost caved. Especially on those days where there is a migraine setting in, my patience is wearing thin, and I am one step away from pulling out my hair. Then they look at you with tears in their eyes, like you betrayed them heartlessly, crying like the world is ending. But, I remind myself that I don’t want my children to think that all they have to do is cry to get what they want. So, he runs, throws himself on the floor, cries it out and after the longest five to ten minutes of my life, he stops, gets up and finds something else to occupy him.

I can only hope that the end is near, or at least he settles down before the new baby arrives. I don’t know what I will do if he decides to throw a tantrum while his newborn baby sister is trying to snooze. Fingers crossed that the toddler years are full of smiles and laughs and less angry temper tantrums!