Parenting, Uncategorized

Bad Day #3

Today the kids aren’t the problem. My son is taking an early nap today, and my daughter is finally sleeping in the bassinet without my arms wrapped around her. No, today is a good day. So why do I say bad day #3? Well, I am finding that my own thoughts and feelings are the problem now.

I was doing fine when I woke up. I was thinking positively. My postpartum bleeding stopped, it looked like it was going to be a cool day, and my kids were doing well this morning. Then my thoughts ran away from me. I started thinking about the arguments that my husband and I have been getting into, and how much I have lost myself since before my son was born. I love my kids, and I would never want to change the fact that I have them. They are both a blessing to my life. There are just times when I wonder if I can keep it together and be the best parent that they need me to be.

I think my husband thinks that it is all in my head, my depression. I have suffered from depression for most of my life, but I feel like that would come and go. Postpartum depression seems to never leave, even when you are having a good day. It remains in the back of my head, waiting to reappear at any moment. It jumps out when one thing is said the wrong way, or something sets off the little bomb inside my mind. I have no control over it, or my emotions when it goes off and I become an ugly, crying mess that thinks the world hates me. I have not had any suicidal thoughts, thankfully. Every time I get to a bad place in my episode, I always remind myself that I love my children too much to do anything stupid. I do, however, wish that I could just stop the uncontrollable feeling of unhappiness and self doubt. My husband and I talked about my feelings last night and we both agreed that for our lives to be better, and for me to be happier, I need to call my doctor and go in for a checkup before my six weeks are up. I know for a fact that I can’t handle these feelings for another three weeks.

Parenting, Uncategorized

The ugly truth

signs-of-postpartaum-depression

 

Postpartum depression.

It is a very real thing that I wish a lot of people would understand is a serious issue with mothers. It happens to even the strongest of people, and can be a very hard experience to get through.

I had postpartum depression with my first child, though I kept denying the signs. I have had issues with depression since I was a child, and I knew the risks for postpartum depression were high with me. I kept denying the signs, kept telling myself that I was stronger than that. I kept trying to convince myself that it was a faze, that I was loosing too much sleep, and that I still wasn’t used to the difficulties of taking care of a child. But despite myself, I knew that there was something deeper wrong with me. When I expressed my feelings to my doctor, they made me take a test. Answering the questions truthfully, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. They gave me some pills and told me to check back in a month. After that month of taking the medication, I decided that I was going to stop and work out my problems myself. Although this worked for me, I do not suggest doing so without telling your doctor. I told my doctor what I planned to do, to work on things on my own, and even though they said that sometimes that doesn’t always work, the told me to call them if I was feeling suicidal and I went on my way.

I did work on things myself, because I have always dealt with my depression on my own. I more so ignored it than faced it, and I think that it’s coming back to bite me in the ass this time around. I have bouts throughout the day where I feel like I am alone. Some days are good, but some days are bad. Some days I feel sad, and angry and lost and sometimes I can’t control my own emotions. I have never once hurt my children during these episodes, but I know they can feel my frustration and it affects how they react to me. That’s when I have to walk away from them, to give myself some time to handle the stress.

Last night I had a melt down. I was crying, hard, and started fighting with my husband for no reason but because I was hurt and feeling lost. I felt alone and pressured into being a perfect mother, with this perfect family, and trying to uphold the perfect life. I put that pressure on myself, and it was too much for me to handle. I should have remembered that there is no such thing as the perfect mother, the perfect family, and the perfect life. Not even the seemingly perfect family truly is perfect. My husband has promised to try harder with helping around the house, to relieve some of the pressure that keeps building. I am grateful that no matter what I throw at him, he stands by me, despite the arguments we get into. It helps a lot when you have a support system. I hope that others that go through this have a support system as well.